Fruitless search for hope

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/27/2016 - 15:56

Hello and thanks for reading. I am 30-something and within the last five years I've experienced some immediate stressors - professional bullying, end of an emotionally abusive relationship and had trust seriously abused by trusted ones that have cost me considerable sums of money. Within this time I have also (finally) had some revelations about my past about events I had always explained as my fault, including multiple instances of sexual abuse when I was a child, by relative strangers and also a "father-figure". It came to light that my mother was aware of the grooming and failed to act.My father was similarly ineffectual in protecting me. More recently, I had a miscarriage which, despite being over-joyed at the news of my pregnancy, was met with apathy by both of my parents. Not even a follow-up text if I was okay weeks later. I finally put this to my mother and now she has rescinded contact. I am at my end. I spend my days trying not to drink and watching shows on my laptop. If I'm being "good" I will delay my first drink until 5pm and then I will drink to oblivion. I leave the house only when I need more alcohol. I had an eating disorder for over ten years (I've always been a total mess!) which I managed to overcome on my own. I had one visit with a psychologist many years ago to help me with this but he spent most of the first (and last) session asking about my sex life. My mother is a mental health worker and volunteered with LifeLine call centres for years, so I don't trust the avenues that are meant to help. I have retreated into a bubble and am terrified of coming out. Every time I try and emerge, something else seems to jump up and slap me in the face. I haven't even started on my intense dismay at the state of the world! I feel as though there is nothing anyone can do or say to help me regain my happiness. The anti-depressants helped for a while but now they just stave off the incessant tears. I have always been "the strong one" but I don't have the strength anymore. Your suggestions on a course of action will be immensely appreciated x

Fri, 05/06/2016 - 12:48 Permalink

HI there,
That sounds terrible! You might want to apply for disability benefits if your depression has made you unable to work, if you want you can fill out the form on the left side of this page, and we can have a disability advocate or attorney reach out to you to speak with you about the process.

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